Day Three

Well, I did not get to sleep last night till 6:am... My sleep is so off and I could not work to day so, I will just work tonight, hey, if I can't sleep I might as well just work...

A few good thinks happened today that is chipping away at my depression... I mention the cartoonist Mark Parisi he does "Of the Mark", a syndicated cartoon. He and Gary Larson of the far side have been two the my inspirations behind my cartooning. In fact i did a cartoon years ago in homage to one of Marks early cartoons...(removed)
His is from ******** and I remember seeing his cartoons in my local papers. Anyway i e-mail the other day never expecting to get either a auto reply or NO replay at all.

We he wrote back personally and and was very cool... He siad "I have to hand it to you, coming up with ideas for ***********seems very challenging but you are pulling it off."

I thought that was really cool, here is a guy that has publish over 5000 cartoons and he says what I'm doing is "challenging".... lol talk about an understatement. It is and honor for me, to get some validation on my stuff... Not like my friends have not done that but they haven't published 5k cartoons... :)

(Unless you know me the following might not make any sense to you so skip reading)

I started listening in on a meeting up north, during the WT, I heard an old voice I have not heard in years so I thought I would call the hall. I call the wrong hall and ended up calling the Greek. i ended up talking to a sister of an old friend. i got there e-mail address. Cool... I like getting in contact with old friends. The I called the right hall and got in touch with the other friend... double cool!

Well, i'm scanning in all the cartoons right now so some time new week I might have a new website just for them or I might re-do the chato site... who know.

Chato


MOOD CHART:
I woke up pissed at the world... I did not sleep last night but i did fall asleep at 6:am till noon... I miss work and I'm now deeper depressed and anxious. I've been agoraphobic to some degree, I hate leaving the house and and spend most of my time in my office... Some times It is more like a self inflicted agoraphobia. Where I feel the less time I spend around family and friend the less pain I will cause. I can admit this now but a few weeks ago i was so bad the voice came back... Now doing run to the hill when i say that... I'm not schizo, but in period of extreme depression or mania my inner voice (some thing we all have - normal or not) becomes in conflict with me... It like a battle of wills... my inner voice is always me... but me at the age of 17... don't ask me why... It is really messed and i don't want to scare any readers... lol like any one is even reading this any way. But, when i get that bad i can become so indifferent, nothing would phase me... pain is welcomed and it could be dangerous for those around me if I was to snap. When i get like that i know how awful I can be... i just can't control it all i can do is try to divert the negative energy away from the family... sadly that is hard to do... J is a great woman, she put up with me and for some reason can see thought the evil, heartless shell and know that deep down the real me is still there. I love her, with all me... Well, i was able to use what i call diversionary tactics to try to wake though last weeks episode ... with drawing, and talking to a few people along with starting this blog i have been able to quite the beast. That inner voice shut up and I was able to get back to just being depressed... lol it funny... when you long for depression over psychosis. I hope to get some meds this week... I have to do something the cognitive therapy i'm doing is not cutting it. Now just for the sake of any one reading this... In the past when things where real bad that inner voice I talked about in effect took over me... i did and said things that where so off beat you knew I was crazy and gone off my rocker... I do not believe I can fully control my illness but by being informed... we educated and the willingness to get help I know i can have a measure of control over it. i am not a danger to my-self or others and I know at point that I feel i could be i would go to the hospital... You, might be able to deduct if you have any psychological training right now that I am in fact hypo-manic right now.. this is possibly why i feel the compulsion to write what ever is on my mind... bing that i recognize this tell me i'm cycling up and that only means that soon i will be cycling down again... that is how it has been for me... up and down..up and down... that is why my diagnosis is Bipolar Rapid Cycling... ahhh now you see... lol although I tend to be more down as I get older I still have the manic times when i can get a lot of work done.....

ok... you've seen enough crazy for one day... I'm going before I say to much.... lol not that I have not done that already... God I hope no one reads this... sad that i have to use this blog to talke out my issues with... maybe i will try something I have not done in a while.... pray!

chato...

Dam great now I'm down again... Crap it's just like a ocean wave that engulfs you... now i'm all anxious... i feel like I should go back and delete what i just wrote... but if i do it will defeat the whole purpose of the blog.... dammit!