Day Four

Dam, dam, dam, dam,........DAMMIT! I could not go to work last night..... I so need the money but i just could not leave the house... I kept tell my self all night... "get up, let's go, we need this" around 4:am I almost did... but I just could not do it. I was wide awake all night again just lying in bed flipping channels and dreading my lack of action... I've been so depressed it makes me sick physically. I get headaches, back pain, all sorts of stuff. It feels like a could is hovering about me at all times. No, it really does, and it sucks. It now 1:28 pm I just woke up after passing out at 7:am... so I guess in some sense i should be happy I get any sleep at all... but it is not good sleep... when i wake up I just have a feeling of dread. I'm going to work today, no matter what I have to or I will lose money.

I really need to see if I can get some meds... I can't take this much more... this is'nt right... I can't function. I'm hoping I will get a few checks in today... but I'm sure I wont... I have to find something that will work... this is just insane. I've been off my meds so long i'm starting to forget what balance feels like... My days are so consistently down that it make me forget all the good around me.

Yesterday the kids and I made sugar cookies... we love to bake... we cut them out with a cookie cutter and when they where done I made home made frosten and add food coloring to dye it there favorite color.. it was great and they loving doing it. It is thinks that this.. spending time with the kids I true love but as soon as it done I feel like crawling back into my hole...

Well, I'm still drawing, this is how I know I still have some hope that i'm not to far gone... i still find some joy... when i really get bad and deeply depress ... NOTHING gives me any joy. That is why i need to get on something now before i sink deeper. I have been talking via e-mail with some frineds ... but unless they read my blog... and I hope no does...but unless they do then they really don't know what going on with me... I have always covered up my pain with jokes and small talk to avoid the pity party's or the strange looks. I have a hard time really trusting others. I'm always paranoid... thinking they are out to get me some how. I have learned that you have people that say they your friends but when that friendship is tested they walk or run. Needless to say because of my illness i have lost a lot of so-called friends. I don't blame them... infact I dont really care for the most part because i knew what type of friends they where... It only when i cause the loss of a real friend does that effect me... good think i don't have to many of them left... lol I'm almost down to just family and no matter how sick i get they will always be family.... ha ha your stuck with me.

chato

MOOD CHART:
Mad, anxious, depressed... I need a drink mood... (no I will not get one though) just getting sick and tired of feeling like this... I have a great wife and awesome kids but I'm to @#%&*NG sick to enjoy them. I need to pray... but I can't face coming to it... I feel like God hates me and If you knew me you would understand what a devastating blow that is to me. It was my faith, and I truely believe this, but it was my faith that kept me balanced so long. No, I never thought I just god or jesus... but it was the going to the meetings, our in service, help others that brought true joy ... the problem was as I got older the bipolar got worst... this is common with mental illness... it has to do with the brain chemistry... well, now the thinks I found comfort in cause me the most pain... being at a meeting for me is like some one is sticking me with sharp small knife... I get so paranoid that every one is talking about me, my heart rate going off the charts, i sweet and get frigidity... I get self-conscious ... think of how fat i am ... my mind is in over drive... i cant focus... most of this i'm sure is psychosomatic (that means just in my head and my mind is causing all of it) but the face is that it happens every time no matter how regular I am. It not just the meeting... but that is the only place i go... going to the mall or out shopping I can just keep to myself I don;t have to make eye contact or I can just plaster a fake smile on my face and keep going. But when some one i know see me and what to talk to me... it is the same thing... This is why i like to call into the meeting... not just mine but I call into a few different one and i feel good hearing them.

Ok... one again i just talked to much... I do feel better, they type of talk therapy is a type of cognitive therapy... It is good some times and it seems to be helping me a bit. the last 4 days since i started it even thought i feel like crap i still get up and post my thoughts... so this just might help more than I thought it would... i now my wife reads this... i think my brother in law does too.. so just knowing that kind of help too... I don't think to any people are reading it... i guess that is why i'm opening up more... I'm still careful not to give specific info. all in all i think this is helping me... so if your one of the unlucky people to have read down this far... i just want to say thanks... even thought you might not understand me or it help to know that your there....