Day Four - part 2

What can I say the day is gone... i did not go to work... I will go around 2 or 3am tonight... I don't have a choice I just have to... I am still so anxious and down... Off and on today i would just start feeling so emotional I would started to cry... this is a real sign that things are not going good... when you cant even control your own emotions... i dont mind the crying but it the anger and rage i worry about. Up till now I have been able to have some success of the rage... but it builds in side me. it like a poem I wrote once called "time bomb". I fear the day I stop caring...

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Time Bomb
by: Chato B. Stewart November 10, 2004

Tic…tic…tic…tic… the rhythm in my mind. Always constant ever present, oblivious to others, yet obvious to me tic…tic…tic.

Can I defuse my mind?
Rewire the mania for good.
Control the blues for balance.
Can I defuse this time bomb in me?

Already too many innocent lives effected.
Already lives lost.
Already to go off… explode!

Tic…tic…tic… the pounding in my head, the piercing of my heart, surrounded by my life choices. The burden I carry, towards the light I walk. Precariously near the fire, burned by the flames to remember the possibility, the reality of the threat.

Tic…tic…tic… Can I defuse this time bomb in my soul?

Soaking the wick with pill. Drowning the fuse with words of bystander. Branded in to the flesh with iron to remember. Scarred with a code, a vow on my sleeve to never forget.

Defuse this time bomb, use what ever it takes, find balance, and keep hope.

Defuse your-self now, or;

Tic… tic… tic… tic!

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Any way, it has been a hard day to say the least.

MOOD CHART:
well i just said it all above... but just so this is all consistent...
I'm down, anxious and over emotional... a few times for no reason what so ever I would start to cry and weep... my mood is not one of perseverance but rather fatalistic. I only stat down to draw once today for about five min or so and then lost total interest... I not finding any joy in any thing... and getting really paranoid. It now 11:17 pm est... I think I might take a shower and try to relax...