Day Seven -I rested

Ok, I went to get some help, well kind of, i will be getting some meds Friday and I put a call into *************** clinic. They will have some one call to screen me... lol, not to screen me for my mental health but rather screen me to see what type of payment plan they can stick me with... I love it they are here set up to help people with mental issues only if they have money to pay for it. Well, I'm sure what ever they want will be too much any way... At least I'm doing something about it.

(removed cartoon)
I forgot that I had to do my monthly cartoon for the ***************** site this week... I got it up on the 1st anyway... You might not get it, but is just a joke about the*************.



Then last night I got an e-mail reminding me that I also have to do a custom cartoon for one of the forum I in... it's part of a deal where I get free membership ($50.00 a year) and thye post my cartoons. Here is that cartoon I did too.
(cartoon removed)

chato

MOOD CHART:
It no surprise I did not sleep much last night. My girl where up most of the night off an on but that is not why I could not sleep. I get to sleep about 6 and was up at noon... lol the rock star life. My mood is more stable... well stable at depressed and anxious. I late on the rent and I've done every think I can do to get my customers to pay... It just when i don't work for a while it take more time to get the money in... this has add even more stress... I am starting to became numb to every thing.. this happens to me sadly some what often... I get so overwhelm i get numb... it is NOT a good thing... at this stage i start to really have a fatalistic attitude, my mind start tell me i would be better off if I was not here... it like the fight or flight attitude and all i want to do is run... The chaos of every thing becomes a huge weight and the feeling like your being pulled under pulls on your very soul. The only think you can do is give in and hope that once you stop you can clime out of the ditch of despair. most often I able to do this but it is always a constant issue that sometimes you just don't have the desire to do it. I don't know what other way to say it but in short it sucks and the thinking that death will stop the pain becomes more and more inviting. Now don't jump off the handle right now thinking I going to kill my-self... no, i'm just explaining the process that take me there, and there is even a psychological term for it ... It called Suicidal Ideation. Here is a good quote from that page "Although most patients with suicidal ideation do not ultimately commit suicide, the extent of suicidal ideation must be determined, including the presence of a suicide plan and the patient's means to commit suicide.".

For me the Ideation start out slow... with the feeling every one would be better off is I was not around... and the mood get worst i start to think of was to do it and when it really get bad I start to think of what I would do leading up to my death... this is really the scary part and I don't even dear to explain some of this process. needles to say it is very very bad! But it is the ideation... or some call it the suicidal romance... although one a few time in my life have I actually acted out on it... they in my book where all just call for help... I know deep down if I really wanted to die I would just do it, with out all the spectacle and hooha. But again that is why suicidal ideation is just a symptom of mental illness... It does not mean some one who is think about death or even suicidal is going to kill them selves... The does not belittle the seriousness of the thinking though... it is a sign that things are not going well and more help may be need to help the person find balance. For me talking about this help me put it in perspective, I know the ideation is systematic and there for i can work though it...

Oh, my I did not reallize how much I wrote, in short... i'm am not suicidal... I'm real down and anxious ... that it... I said to much already bye.
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