Day Six

It is now 4:pm est... I did not sleep last night again... I ended up getting to bed around 6:30 or 7 and I was up again by noon. I broke down and went to try and get some meds today. There is a place near me that can help from time to time... Now after the Cho Killings ast V- tech I think more places are willing to try and help people with mental illness... at least that how i felt because she was tell me to clam down and that she would find a way to get me what I needed. Well, friday I should have some meds... I'm short on the rent again this month... I have the money comming but when my customes pay is another other thing... I have not been able to work much and even thought I have a few jobs lined up I need to get business insurance before I can even touch them... I am so anxious right now... my heart feel like it going to bounce out of my chest, I have a migrane and my stomic is all twisted in knots. Soo all and all it just lake any other day.. same stuff different day. I join a few art forums to display some of my work and get their thoughts... I got a good comment today but I don't know if i'm going to post amy more of my work... these illustrators are pro's and my stuff is... well not that good... I going to try and make a few calls today... I need to get some real help... I can fell the black coulds moving in on me and my fatalistic thinking is getting louder in my head... some times I wish it would all end... sad that i am so willing to give up... but sometimes the emotional pain is worst the the physical... In the past i would cause my-self physical pain via cutting or burning / branding my self in a way to of set the emotional crap. I still have the large branded scar on my inner arm with the date 62504 in large 1" blocks... that was painful burning it but it help with all the deep stuff temporally. Three weeks ago I started to get ready to burn away some pain, I marked off the skin with a design latke a tattoo and started to heat up a knife with a lighter... I was able to stop my self, not because the scar/ burn would hurt or that J would see it... no I stopped because i knew my kids would see it and how do explain that to children. As it is they alway ask me about all my old scars... So I guess I stopped for the sake of my kids... I can not tell you hom many times that thinking alone has helped me... People use the expression "I live for my kids", for me it is; "I'm alive because of my kids".

Chato

MOOD CHART:
This is getting repetitive... but I have to stick to it since it is giving me some help. My mood is down, i'm anxiety is so hight i am get sick over it... i'm I feel rage building in me and i'm really snappy... the type when you yell and scream over spilt mike snipe... I need to go so something that will halp me clalm down ... even thought I will be getting some meds this week I don't even know if I can stay on them since i still have skin rashes when i take any type of meds... so in one work how am I .... disturbed!