Hope and Hostility

Hope and hostility are todays subject. As you can see i have not posted in the last few days. This is because I just got so low and so down I quite frankly did not care about anything or any one and found no joy in ANY ACTION. I have to HOPE that this is just part of the side effect of my body adjusting to my meds... I started taking them Friday and I believed just in time too.

I called the local CSU (A Crisis Stabilization Unit {CSU} is an emergency mental health resource). The first question they always ask is "are you suicidal or homicidal"... Of witch I had to say NO... come on if I was do you think I would be call them? The fact is that unless I am in present danger to my-self or others then they can not help... Now the really runny part is people who understand their illness to the point of knowing that unless they get help soon they will become a "present danger" are the ones turned away till it is to late.

Well, the last few days I did not care to much like I said about anything, the meds I think also triggered me to have MAJOR TEETH PAIN! I am not talking about the pain of one toothache... image 4 or 5 all on the same side... I had to take stuff just to try to help it but it did not even scratch the surface so I downed 4 xanex (only about 1 mg), it helped me sleep and clams my mood a bit.. So all in all I have HOPE.

Now Enter Hostility! One of the side effect of this med i've been on has seem to alway push my temper to the limit... I get snappy and scary, and when I yell, it sends every one running for cover... I HATE this, and i am ashamed and guilt stricken over it. The other day I lost it and started yelling at my kids and J... My the older kids ran for cover but I did not see the baby behind me and when I was done blowing off the steam I turned around and there was my 2 year old frozen in fear, terrified... she took one look and me and starting crying yelling for mommy.

My heart just sank and shattered at the same time. It was at very moment I thought "what the F&#@ am I doing" and for some time after that I thought i should just take a drive and kill myself. Just do it like i should have done years ago, no note, no cry for help just do and and be done with it before I hurt my kids even more. You can't understand the overwhelming feels I have knowing that I AM the biggest threat to my family wellbeing and safety. For every 100 things I do great as a father all it take is one out burst like that to cause major pain and wipe away the good I've done... I made a promise to my self long ago that I would never hurt my family again. I even burn that into my skin with the date she left last time I got bad. I never hit or caused any physical pain to any of them, But it's the emotional pain that will be the baggage they will carry for their lives. I have to control this... I just have to! But deep in my mind I hear a voice telling me they would be better with out... some times I wonder.

This emotional crap was the gift my father game me and i don't want to pass it on to my kids.

Chato

MOOD CHART:
Over the last few days the stress has played a major issue. I have been in a lot of physical pain but in some way I fell I deserve the pain so I just roll with it. I am started to come out of the depression a bit... i hope it is from the meds but we will see. I'm just worried about my rage, I need to work on avoiding my triggers and stick to a schedule that will help me stay balance. In truth today feels like "my moment of clarity", so I want to do what ever I can to assure I can stay on the road to balance. So with out any further due, I say good day and off to get thing done.